Forgiveness is tough. It is a task at times and a mountain on some days. Ironically, on the days, when forgiveness is the last thing on our mind. It is when we need it the most. On days, when we wonder, why can’t I heal, find peace or move on?
I know. I have lived it too. Still live it on some days. That are too long. And dark. When righteousness feels justified and judgment makes me feel superior. It is better to feel angry, incriminating others or myself than to feel powerless, hopeless and lost. Revenge feels like a meaningful life purpose in dark times. Thoughts of retribution give me sleepless nights and rage-filled days.
That’s before, I realise that victim’s rage is a powerful trap of ego. And that I need to rebel against my ego. And it’s refusal to feel powerless. Sometimes life will make us feel powerless. And it’s ok to accept the contrast and let it go. Though sometimes, we need take support of a prayer, “God help me forgive”, with same fervour that we say, “God help me heal!”
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” — Buddha
Forgiveness is never really about the other person. It is about us. It is an act of self‑compassion. We are not doing anyone a favour by forgiving; we are responding to our own deep longing to heal, to free ourselves from the anguish and suffering of unresolved hurts.
Some traumas cannot heal without the surgical tool of forgiveness. Often, these are the wounds of childhood sexual abuse, incest, and rape. Emotional violation and trauma, however, can be just as hard to overcome. Expression and venting are important precursors to healing and closure, and are used as therapeutic tools.
Most of the time, the part of us that cannot forgive actually wants retribution or revenge, or at least wishes that something bad will happen to the perpetrator as God’s punishment. We feel God is on our side alone. We may even feel a surge of satisfaction at their misfortune, forgetting that what we went through might itself have been karmic retribution.
No wonder that when we cannot forgive, we cannot fully heal, no matter how much therapy or medicine we receive. Unforgiven deeds become burning coals in our hands and hearts that we are desperate to hurl at our opponents.
In truth, when we desire revenge strongly enough, we often do get it—across lifetimes.
That is why warring couples sometimes become trapped in cycles of revenge that span many incarnations. In one lifetime, the wife harms the husband and takes revenge; in the next, the husband does the same. This cycle can continue for 15–20 lifetimes, until one of them finally says, “Enough. I want to heal now. I want to be free, so I free you. The cycle ends with me.” It is usually the braver and wiser soul who does this. After all, the weak cannot truly forgive, nor can the vengeful.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The Law of Karma teaches us that no one can get away with anything. Neither did we, nor will anyone else. So choose freedom, choose forgiveness. Be radical, be wise—heal quickly, and soothe your righteous anger. Ill will only begets ill will.
What others do is their karma; what I do is mine. Always bring the focus back to yourself, again and again. It helps.
We love to see ourselves as victims. Beginners in past-life regression also tend to see victim lifetimes first. Gradually, as we mature, we begin to explore our darker lifetimes—those in which we have killed or tortured others. In those moments, we need deep self-compassion to forgive ourselves, accept ourselves, and heal our dark side. Otherwise, many people halt their spiritual journey due to self-judgment and guilt.
What if, one day, we could come to the point of praying for our abuser, our perpetrator? “May you be free of darkness too. May you find your light.” Knowing that they too are victims of their own darkness. On that day, we will have used our personal grace to free someone—and, in doing so, freed ourselves. That day, we will heal as a soul. Peace will descend upon us as a return gift from the heavens.
Atonement is possible. May we remember, the words of St. Francis of Assisi..
“It is in forgiving that we are forgiven..”
So let’s begin practicing forgiveness today, with others. Who knows when we might need it ourselves.
– Abhishek
- Forgiveness Prayer: Read here
Ho’oponopono Meditation: For forgiveness and Unconditional love
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